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It's been 3 years. [Aug. 29th, 2008|12:16 am]
I'm choosing to forget LJ.
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Grrr [Mar. 3rd, 2006|10:01 pm]
[mood |annoyedannoyed]

I'm super annoyed right now.

Matt is clearly proving me right that he was using me...now that he's on myspace, he's talking to all these chicks and probably going out with them, instead of hanging out with me. It also crosses my mind that I'm not at the top of his list because he knows I won't have sex with him. Maybe he doesn't need a ride from me anymore, who knows. All I know is that right now my feelings are pretty damn hurt, and I'm really tired of all of this. I'm not going to make an attempt to call him, I have left him a couple msgs on yahoo telling him I really need to talk to him, which I do, and he doesn't seem to care about it at all. So whatever.
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The bus hit me head-on [Feb. 11th, 2006|07:25 pm]
[mood |draineddrained]

So Matt called me last night when I was at Grumpy's, and I suddenly blurted out "Am I your girlfriend or not??".

He had NO idea what I was talking about.


I said, "You don't remember like a week ago when you called me and told me you want to try being a couple?"

He said "What the fuck are you talking about, I would never say that"

Let the crying begin.

I'm so tired of this.
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This might be the longest entry *ever* [Feb. 4th, 2006|10:44 pm]
[mood |hopefulhopeful]

Holy crap...something I thought would never happen actually did, and now I dunno how to handle it.

Two days ago, out of nowhere, Matt says that he wants to try being a couple.


I was so shocked when he said that that I was silent until he was like "HELLO???" Then I asked him to repeat what he just said, then I was silent again. I asked him if he was drunk, and he said "A little bit, but I was just laying here thinking about it, and I know it's what should have always been." Then I was silent again, and he was like "So yes or no???" and I told him that we probably should talk about it later, and he said "There is nothing to talk about, I just want it to be." So I said yes.


It's still hard for me to believe that he suddenly wants to be with only me. I dunno if I have a right to think that way, or if I am just being stupid. I know that he loves me, he isn't lying about that. I don't get why it took over a year for him to realize that we just "go" together. I knew that a long time ago, dammit. I'm also having issues giving up my freedom, being able to kiss whoever I want and not feel guilty...that kind of thing. My last actual boyfriend was Caleb. That was a looong time ago. I'm kind of used to being "alone".

I went out with Matt and Joe the day after he asked me, and I felt kinda weird, cuz I didn't know if I was suppose to act differently, or what. I knew he was having the same issues, cuz he sat kinda away from me at first, and then finally he pulled my chair over close to him, and I noticed he was resticting his usual ogling of girls. It was kinda cute. I guess I'm waiting for him to refer to me as his girlfriend to someone. For some reason I need that validation. *sigh* I guess I'm just gonna see what happens, what else can I do?

Other ways my life is suddenly changing:

I got a second job working with Jessica at the Mercy Hospital Coffeeshop. They pay $11.10/hr, and it seems pretty easy. Not a lot of stress, and I don't sweat my ass off like I do at Davannis. And hellooo...MONEY!!!

This just happened tonight: I suddenly got a text msg from a number I didn't recognize, and all it said was "Rosie Fro". Hardly anyone calls me that anymore, so right away I asked who it was, and it was my old friend Becca. I can't fucking believe it. I haven't talked to or seen her in years, and I always wondered how her and the kiddies are. We used to be super close, hopefully we can be that way again.

Things are going the right direction for once. It feels weird.

Now I'll probably get hit by a bus. ;o) lol
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I might have an answer for once. [Dec. 25th, 2005|02:54 am]
[mood |distresseddistressed]

So like...

I have been weirder than usual the last like, 3 months. I have been extremely picky of who I want to see and when, what we do, etc. Half of the time I have no idea why I act the way I do, or why I say the things I do...and it's been on and off like that for a good 10 years now.

I remember the first time I read about Borderline Personality Disorder. I went to the shrink and said, "I know this is what I have, so please treat me for this." She said, "Well, you do have almost all the symptoms, but you are too young."

I was 21 then, am I old enough now???

Signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:

Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
Frequent emotional ups and downs
Impulsive actions
Mood swings
Stormy relationships
Intense anger, possibly involving physical fights
Casting others in terms of good or bad
Feeling of emptiness inside
Fear of being alone
Unlike the mood changes in disorders such as depression and bipolar disorder, which may last for weeks or months, the mood swings in BPD generally last just hours.

People affected with BPD are terrified of being alone, yet they push others away with their erratic behavior. They often get into repetitive, rather predictable crises often related to the fear of abandonment, while in reality their behaviors often lead to just that.

Common occurrences, such as a spouse being a few minutes late, may prompt sudden fury or despair. People with BPD are likely to believe this "abandonment" implies that their partners don't love them anymore or that they're "bad." When a loved one is perceived as uncaring, a person with BPD may react with extreme sarcasm, lingering bitterness or verbal abuse. These outbursts may be followed by feelings of guilt.

People with BPD may idolize a new lover and demand lots of time together. This switches quickly to devaluing that person and feeling that the person doesn't care enough or isn't dependable. As a result, relationships often are stormy and unstable.

Affected people may also experience sudden and dramatic shifts in their self-image, which can be expressed in a shift of their goals and values. They may quickly change their opinions and plans about their career, sexual identity and types of friends.
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Punch me in the chin and call it a day [Dec. 15th, 2005|07:16 pm]
[mood |bouncybouncy]

I have turned into one of those people that don't update!! *slaps me*

So like, James told me he's been in love with me since Halloween.


I told him that I disagree, and that he doesn't know what he's talking about. Not the nicest response, but I had to say it that way. I also told him that he might *think* he's in love with me because I have been the only girl he's dated since moving here, and I bring him food and buy him beer at the bar. Then I told him that he should go out and date a couple other girls...THEN if he still feels that he's in love with me, so be it.
I have made it quite clear to him a couple times that I cannot be in a commited relationship right now. I told him the reasons why, which are:

1. I've had like 3 other guys tell me they "love me, are in love with me, are falling in love with me, etc." only to then cheat on me and/or breakup with me a month later.

2. Too many times I have jumped into relationships without considering the consequences, which have turned out to be big ones.

3. I know that if left alone with Matty long enough we will makeout or have sex, and I don't cheat.

I didn't tell him #3 of course. But whatever.

The funny thing is, all I have really ever wanted from a guy is for them to love me, and only me. Now I have it and I don't want it. OF COURSE it's that way, cuz I'm fucked in the head.

Speaking of Matty, once again I am trying to control my jealousy when he talks to or about other girls. What I'm really trying to remember is, he could go out with 1329483 girls, but I'd still be his favorite. And I know it's true. Yah, we fight and cry and throw things at each other, but if that didn't happen, where'd the excitement be?? ;o)
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Two months later... [Oct. 5th, 2005|01:18 pm]
[mood |geekygeeky]

Wow, I haven't updated in a looong time.

I was just reading my entry from October 5th of last year. It doesn't seem like that stuff happened a year ago, time flies so fast.


Well, since I've updated some cool stuff has happened.

Cool thing #1: I started talking to Jessica again...some people think I'm stupid for doing so, but, I figured that she is the one that has to live with what she did, and I'm over it anyways, so whatever.

Cool thing #2: I went to see Green Day at Excel. Shawn works there, so he got Jessica and I down on the floor even though we had seat tickets ;o) Jessica took pictures, and somehow we didn't get yelled at for doing so.

Cool thing #3: My friend Al came from New Jersey to visit me after we have been typing at each other for almost a year. It's so nice to finally get to meet someone after all that time. He won $100 on a pulltab and I brought him to Denny's. I'm such a rad tour guide. (lol)One of these days I'm gonna go visit him and get to see New York. Woot.

Cool thing #4: I have been getting almost 40 hours a week at work, which is gonna give me some badly needed money.

Cool thing #5: It has been very easy for me to meet boys lately.

*Ok now the uncool things.*

Uncool thing #1: It has been very easy for me to meet boys lately. Yah. I have been seeing a guy named James that I met at O'Donovans for like, a month now. Two nights ago he told me he wants us to be exclusive. Surprisingly, I said I wasn't ready for it yet. Anyone that knows me knows that in the past I would have jumped right in and said yes. I don't know if I am just growing up in that sense, or if I am just tired of continually getting hurt? The other part is that, because it has been easy for me to meet guys lately, I don't know which one I want. I get crushes on people all the time, and I don't want to commit to someone just because I know they won't cheat on me. That's rediculous, and mean. I am teaching myself that I don't need to rush everything. *nods*

Uncool thing #2: I'm still in debt. I'm sooooo bad about paying bills on time, that I am almost always in collections. Stupid me.

Uncool thing #3: I am making zero progress with finding another job and/or going to school. I so so so do NOT want a desk job again...I dunno what to do about it. I really don't feel like going to school until I am more financially stable either. I've tried to explain this to people, but they just keep right on preaching to me about "you need an education". I fucking know that, christ.

Ok...I think thats all for the moment. I have cramps and don't feel like typing anymore. (TMI tidbit just for Dandrea)

Love you peeps

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Stupid girl. [Aug. 17th, 2005|04:02 pm]
[mood |weirdweird]

My friend Leland had a party the other day because he is moving to Michigan...
I saw Anell, who I haven't seen in awhile, that was nice.


I saw Missy, and of course, Caleb was there cuz they are attached at the hip. And apparently, they are together again. I love Missy and think she's a great person, but...*cough* don'tbestupid *coughs*
So she comes over and says Hi, but is a sorta weird way...and he acted like I wasn't there, which is totally fine with me because we have nothing to say to each other anyway. Then a bonfire was started, and eventually Jen and I ventured down there, even though I felt weird about it. Missy went to the bathroom or something, and then I saw Caleb headed down toward the river with some nasty chick!! I seriously was like...W..T...F!!
Missy came back, and immediately asked me "Where's Caleb??" and I pointed, and she was like "With (insert chick's name)?" and I nodded...and she instantly plopped down in her chair and looked all depressed. I literally couldn't do anything but shake my head. She started talking to Anell, and Missy said "I love him to death but I can't trust him at all." Wow...WAY TO GO!!! *claps* Then Anell said "Don't worry Caleb is a nice guy"

Well yeah, for the most part he is...as long as you don't date him.

Side note: Missy ended up going down to the river by the chick and Caleb..and those two came back up first, then the chick came out braggin about how she kissed him. Heh. Not surprising.

I try not to hang around Missy much anymore, cuz everytime I do, I get angry and/or frustrated. When I first met her, she had soo much to talk about, and soo much insight into things....now...ALL she talks about is HIM. "Caleb did this, Caleb did that, Me and Caleb blah blah" I am tempted to just shake her for awhile until her head is no longer clogged with infatuation. I want to yell "HE CHEATED ON YOU AT LEAST TWICE, THAT YOU KNOW OF. WAKE THE FUCK UP WOMAN!!!" I don't get it. I would never put up with that cheating shit. But that's just me I guess.

I was gonna type about something else, but now I am too frustrated again. Grrr.

Now I remember!!

Duh, boys...

There has been weirdness with boys lately. Suddenly, in like, the past 2 weeks, whenever I go to Grumpy's in Coon Rapids, some boy hits on me. It's really weird. The weird part is that...they aren't ugly or nasty at all!! They are the boys I always see there, but the type that I think would never talk to me. Lately every one of those boys has come up to me and said "I've always noticed everytime you are here, but I just never said anything." Everytime I've heard one of them say it, I had to fight the urge to look around to make sure they were talking to me. Then they buy my drinks and pay for the Video Crack. One of the boys, named Tony, asked me to go see Batman with him on Saturday. After I said yes I looked at Jen and she wiggled her eyebrows at me. LOL dork.

Ok that's all...my arms hurt from typing.


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3...2...1...UPDATE!! [Aug. 2nd, 2005|03:10 pm]
[mood |geekygeeky]


I am boring.

I really have nothing new going on.

I'm friends with Matt again, but thats not a surprise. He finally admitted that he has stronger feelings for me that he lets on, but he still doesn't want a commited relationship because he thinks I'm too good for him. I think that he was bullshitting me, but he's right. I know I'm too good for him. So there.

(So where the hell is one that is on the same level of goodness as me?) For fuck's sake.

Oooh, I just thought of something else to type about.

I haven't spoken to Jessica in about a month...I think it's been a month, I don't really know. Apparently, she had sex with my ex-bf Caleb a week before him and I had broken up. Yah, I realize we dated like a year ago now, but it doesn't matter. I'm mostly pissed because:

a) I would never, ever even think about doing that to my "best friend"
b) She kept this a secret for a freakin YEAR
c) When I got upset when she told me, she tried to use the whole "I'm only human, and I was drunk" shit. Pfft.
d) Even when she was "telling me the truth" she was still lying. She told me that she had sex with him a week AFTER he broke up with me, but it was really the week BEFORE.
e) I've been told that she is talkin shit about me. What reason does she have to do that? I didn't do anything to her!!! Fuck!!

....bunch of shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good riddance, I know you guys will miss her so.

And it's not like I don't blame him either. He used to ALWAYS talk about what a nasty fat ho Jessica is/was and all this crap, then he has sex with her...WHILE I WAS HIS GIRLFIREND. LOL. Idiots everywhere!!! I just told him to never speak to me again. I don't need shitheads like that in my life. He cheats on everyone all the time anyway. Burn in hell.

K, thats all for now. I must go to work.

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hmm. [Jun. 21st, 2005|07:12 pm]
[mood |uncomfortableuncomfortable]

I haven't updated in awhile SO...

First off I told Matt we couldn't be friends anymore...after all the things he's done to me and how horrible he's made me feel, I know that this is the right thing to do. I'm not gonna say it isn't hard...cuz it is. He was one of my closest friends for like, 8 months? It's been about 2 weeks since I talked to him last, and I'm still not used to him not being around or calling me everyday like he always did. I'm also hurt, because he made no attempt to try to keep me as a friend...and that sucks. It does prove to me though that I didn't mean anything to him, even if he said I did. I hope that I see his friends every once in awhile, cuz I didn't mind them all that much, and they were always nice to me.

I got a flat tire the other day, and today I drove over to Discount Tire where they told me that just one tire will be like $130...AND all of my tires are almost totally bald. FUUUUUUCK!!! My dad is out of town at the moment, so I can't ask to borrow the money from him yet...SO let's hope I stay safe in my death trap of a car.

I applied for federal aid for school...I'm excited to go back. I think I'll feel like less of a loser, and I reFUSE to work at Davannis for any longer than I have to. Not to mention I feel like my brain is slowly wasting away. I gots to be learned!!

I'm lonely, thats for damn sure. Since Matt, Jason the Walker, and Phil were never really my boyfriends, that means it's been almost a year since I've had one (Caleb). It's been a long time since I've said that. I can't decide if I think that's good or bad. I mean, I don't NEED to have one, but I feel better when I do. I think it's because my life is so unstable...I just need ONE thing to be constant, and nothing ever is.


Ok thats all.
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